65804

Oct. 29 – Springfield, MO

Springfield's GO magazine, the local out-and-about freeweekly (a paltry slim thing for Missouri's third largest city), is running a feature this week about local Sexy Singles, with photos and banal survey-style write-ups. The first thing I noticed was that they never mention which sex is of interest to these Singles, so we know it's not that kind of magazine. The second thing was that these are sixteen of the most unremarkable, uncompelling people you can imagine. "Romantic dinners at home with wine." "A guy who makes me laugh." And so forth. So we gather that normalcy is self-perpetuating here, as made evident by the city's media-sponsored breeding program.

There's also something fishy going on with beer. I asked two bartenders and a waitress at the hotel bar (actually the self-styled local sports hangout, only grudgingly affiliated with the attached hotel) what they could offer in a bottled beer. After ensuring that I did not, in fact, have lobsters coming out of my ears, I ultimately had to file a Freedom of Information request to get even a partial answer. Perhaps I was viewed as subversive for expecting any kind of departure from the Standard American Beer Menu.

Even Missouri State University has deleted "Southwest" from its name, disavowing any specific identity with its location, so as to make it relevant throughout the middlemost state in America. I couldn't find a Springfield entry into my collection of lapel pins. I've dined at both T.G.I. Friday's and Panera, and Starbucks held an employee conference at our hotel. It may well be that distinctiveness is strictly taboo in Springfield. Perhaps that's why the city shares its name with the fictional hometown of the Simpsons. It really is Anytown, U.S.A.

View Larger Map